I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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