she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
