I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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