oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
