someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
