She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
