Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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