had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
