Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
