i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
