she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
