I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
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His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
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Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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