The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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