I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
