i permit you to call me
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
