now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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