Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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