ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
