I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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