I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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