when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
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I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.