he wants to bone in the snuggie
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
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When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
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You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.