"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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