woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
