We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
