MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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