And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
