You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
