My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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