So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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