There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
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I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
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You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
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