i just wanna soil my oats bro
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
