we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
