Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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