First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
