We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
