God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
