I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
being pregnant is like rehab
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
