he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
