I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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