I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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