Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
