so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
