I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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