I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
