True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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