god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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