There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
