If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
