If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize