We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
