I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
