I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
