There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
