we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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