I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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