can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
